Feeling Crazy

Woke up today feeling disorientated. I do not know what it is about me.

What makes up me:

1.must have justice no matter what.

2.I do not give up until there is nothing more to be done about something.

3. I focus on 1 thing at a time although I have been known to juggle up to 4 things at a time.

4. One of my traits is this sense of urgency. Say I run out of milk. I then think about it all day,thinking when I should go out and get said milk.Then I feel anxious.Will the store close soon? Should I go now? That means I would have to get dressed to go out in society.What shall I wear? What has my hair morphed into? What boots should I wear? Will the power go out while I am gone? Do I have enough gas in the car? Everything that comes to mind needs to be done asap. I feel pressured to get it done right away.This goes on all day. Sometimes 4 or 5 things a day freak me out. Something as small as going to the doctor 2 minutes away builds so much anxiety,then I’m stuck at the door,afraid to open it and leave.

5.The Night.  I don’t know if it is all the jobs I held working nights in my life,but I am up all night. I hate the daytime. There is too much gong on and it stresses me. I will be up until 7am still not able to sleep. When I do, it is for 4-5 hrs and not straight through. This time schedule fks me up for any appointments I have that day. Usually I end up calling and saying I got a flat tire or that I have no ride.

6.My name.  I really hate my name. I can’t even say it out loud. I never had any friends with the same name,so I never had to say it. I like the name Sophia.

7.What is inside me does not match my outside. Been this way forever. My inside person is a girl with long legs and long straight brown hair and skinny,who is full of adventure and still not all grown up. Who also has a lot of fun. The outside me is fat ugly and I just cannot understand how people can even look at me. My voice is deep from smoking.

8.Since the age of 8, for whatever reason, I have loved the woods.Yes, we went camping a lot as a family.But it is beyond that. Living in the woods has ALWAYS been with me. So the past 54 years of living n society in cities, doing city things,you can imagine how uncomfortable I feel.

9.Treating myself. I don’t feel worthy to treat myself. I feel guilty if I buy a shirt or shoes.Eating at a restaurant is unheard of.

10. I am a loner to a certain point. After a few weeks or so,I need contact with someone.Even if just for an hour.

11.My work ethic- I work on something until it is done. I am not allowed to eat, sleep,or do anything until it is done. My reward is I will eat ,sleep or whatever when it is finished.This has always been the rule.I would probably die if I leave something unfinished.It is not in my dna.

12. Friends- I have few friends. I do not like crowds.The people I consider my friends are golden.I try to treat them always with respect and compassion.I try not to anger them.I love helping them.

13.I have mixed emotions about hunting. I would NEVER hunt for sport.Strictly for food only if there is nothing else around. While I hate the thought of killing an animal ever,I can do so if I had to,which I have done in the past. I would rather kill a person over an animal,especially if that person is harming a cat or a dog.Just last night I watched a movie called Bad Bubby and this guy was warped due to his mother. He took plastic wrap and wrapped his cat up and it died. I had such an episode of sadness and was freaking out.He did the same to his parents and I had no emotion about it at all.

14.I have always wanted to join the service.Just to fly helicopters.That’s it. That’s all I wanted to do. I never believed in the military,just as I never really believe in Catholic school and church growing up. So many adults have lied to me.I do not believe in government either. Yes I was raised to respect authority,but when your own cop dad beat you every single day,you sort of lose that respect for authority.

15. I have the most insane dreams and nightmares a person can have.

16.Depression- or as they used to call it- Melancholy. Feeling useless, worthless,feeling not alive. All the time, I look around and try to sort out if I am really a live person or is everything just a dream and I died a long time ago.Is this real? Or am I watching someone else live thru all this?

17. I used to care. More than a lot.About people close to me. If I heard my mom wasn’t feeling well,I would focus on her sickness until it went away.I worried about people in my family when they drove somewhere, hoping they would be all right. It used to consume me. Then when people, one by one, drew away from me,and did things to me, I slowly abandoned the caring. It went away. And I feel numb to it now.

18.I was raised what you call a tomboy. And still am to this day. I found out boys always had more fun than girls at a very early age. I hated barbie dolls,even while people kept giving them to me as gifts. I was more interested watching my brothers blow up army tanks with firecrackers and playing manhunt and wiffle ball.

19.Pets- My God I miss ALL my pets. I think of them all the time. They were all innocent creatures that never did harm to anyone.I was the delegated person in my family to be there with them when they died,and I was the one to hold a service for them at their burial.Except for Tiffany who was dragged down the hallway at the 6 mile cypress shelter to her doom in front of us. I hate those people with a passion.

20.Fishing- You won’t find a more avid fisherperson than me. I catch my own bait. I spend hours making bait nets. I was usually found repairing my cast nets.I don’t like to eat fish really.If I had to I would,but I would give the fish away or throw them back.

21.Gardening- The world of peacefulness is found in gardening.I guess because the garden doesn’t move,and I can manipulate it to how I want it.Planting,trimming,arranging,creating paths…. Then the most exciting-building ponds.Can’t even describe it. A couple of years ago I made my own firepit.I cooked on that thing a lot. Also sat in front of it watching the flames…

22.When I was younger I drove like a maniac.I would drive to massachusetts just to get a newspaper. I would drive to pennsylvania just to go bowling. My favorite drive was to Bear Mountain along rt 9W from Jersey.I would find every excuse to drive somewhere.




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